WHO ATE WHAT AT THE MOVIES?

13 FILMS AND WHERE THEY SCORE ON THE EAT/FUCK INDEX

I am a sucker for food movies, food in movies, and anytime an actor interacts with a server on camera. Garcon means boy, I’m looking at you. To me that’s cinema. It always feels disingenuous to sit through a two hour movie and not see an actor eat or at least sit down in front of a plate of food. Thankfully, there is usually at least an illusion of appetite. And when there’s not, I get it, it’s a hassle to do multiple takes with prop food, I’m sure it’s a nightmare for the continuity person and actors alike. Still, food is important, it has a role to play as much as any actor does. 

Sex too, for that matter. Maybe you’ve seen the discourse about that Gen Z study where 50% of respondents between ages 13-24 claimed they wanted to see less sex in movies and TV because it doesn’t “advance the plot.” Maybe you haven't seen it. I wish I hadn’t. I long to be above the discourse. I’m not actively trying to engage with it here, but the thought is depressing to me. The state of cinema, Hollywood cinema, has become more and more sexless in the last 15 years. Maybe we can blame superheroes for that. To quote Pedro Almodóvar speaking with Hunter Harris in 2019:

“There are many, many movies about superheroes. And sexuality doesn't exist for superheroes. They are neutered. There is an unidentified gender, the adventure is what's important. You can find, among independent movies, more of this sexuality. The human being has such sexuality!” 

Superheroes don’t fuck, so apparently nobody can fuck in Hollywood anymore, lest they not make a billion dollars off a 200 million dollar budget. They even cut the kiss out of the Twisters, that’s how far we’ve fallen. 

Food and sex are life affirming. Are movies not reflecting life anymore? Are we not doing that? 

A lot of movies are very much still doing that. Our film correspondent at GUTS had the great pleasure of attending the Ljubljana International Film Festival this past week, and  saw first hand that appetite in film is alive and well. Following is the dispatch, notes really, about the ways food and sex are depicted on camera. Each film is given an EAT/FUCK index score from 1-10 that is painstakingly computed without the use of a computer. Yes, there are light spoilers. 

TO A LAND UNKNOWN (2024) dir. Mahdi Fleifel 

THIS IS A MOVIE ABOUT TWO PALESTINIAN COUSINS, PLAYED BY MAHMOOD BAKRI AND AKRAM SABBATH, LIVING IN ATHENS TRYING TO GET TO GERMANY AND START A CAFE IN AN ARAB NEIGHBORHOOD. 

FOOD LIES HEAVY ON THIS FILM. IT”S ALL ABOUT SCARCITY, LACK OF BOTH FOOD AND OPTIONS. THEY LIVE IN A SQUAT, FRY PLAIN POTATOES FOR A KID THEY TAKE IN BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT THEY’VE GOT. LATER THEY STEAL A PAIR OF SHOES TO BUY HIM A GYRO. 

THEY ROB OLD LADIES OUT OF DESPERATION, DO SEX WORK OUT OF DESPERATION, CON JOBS OUT OF DESPERATION. 

MAHMOOD MAKES REAL PALESTINIAN FOOD FOR HIS GREEK MARK. BRINGS HER MUJADDARA AND ASK HER TO DO SOME LIGHT HUMAN TRAFFICKING

AKRAM TRIES TO FEED PIZZA TO THE HOSTAGES THEY’RE SCAMMING BUT GETS SCREAMED AT INSTEAD. 

MAHMOOD AND AKRAM DO NOT HAVE A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP WITH FOOD, SEX, HEROIN, BORDERS, EACH OTHER, ANYTHING. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX: 7

THE SHROUDS (2024) dir. David Cronenberg

IT'S ALL ABOUT GRIEF AND THE GROUND SWALLOWING UP YOUR LOVED ONES BODY WHILE YOU WATCH ALONG ON AN 8K LIVE STREAM. 

THE GROUND EATS DIANE KRUGER’S BODY, GUY PEARCE EATS MATZO BALL SOUP AND A PASTRAMI SANDWICH WITH NO PICKLES BECAUSE HIS STOMACH CAN’T TAKE THE ACID. 

VINCENT CASSAL OWNS A RESTAURANT IN A CEMETERY BUT I DON'T THINK HE EATS ANYTHING THE WHOLE MOVIE BUT PUSSY. 

DIANE KRUGER’S SISTER, ALSO PLAYED BY DIANE KRUGER, GETS TURNED ON BY CONSPIRACY THEORIES AND FUCKS HER DEAD SISTERS HUSBAND WHEN THINGS START TO GET THE SLIGHTEST BEST INTRIGUING. 

SANDRINE HOLT, THE BLIND WIFE OF VINCENT CASSAL’S DYING BILLIONAIRE CLIENT LOVES THE CREASES OF CASSAL’S FACE AND, WELL, THEY HAVE SEX TOO. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 8

EMILIA PEREZ (2024) dir. Jacques Audiard 

WALKED IN BLIND SO COLOR ME SURPRISED WHEN I CAME TO FIND OUT IT’S A MUSICAL ABOUT A TRANSITIONING CARTEL BOSS IN MEXICO. 

FILMED ON A FRENCH SET DESIGNED TO LOOK LIKE A MARKET IN MEXICO CITY, ZOE SELDANA SINGS, DANCES, BUT DOES NOT EAT. 

IN OTHER MARKET SCENES, FOOD GOES AGAIN UNTOUCHED BUT DRINKS ARE HAD. 

KIDS EAT BREAKFAST, SORT OF. 

ZOE SELDANA IS TOO BUSY WORKING FOR RELATIONSHIPS BUT EMILIA PEREZ HAS SEX WITH A WIDOW, AND SELENA GOMEX HAS A LOVERBOY SO WRAPPED AROUND HER FINGER HE’S READY TO COMMIT FELONIOUS ACTS TOGETHER. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 5

MEGALOPOLIS (2024) Francis Ford Coppola 

A WOMAN WHO I THOUGHT WAS MAUDE APATOW SNORTS COKE OFF NATHALIE EMMANUELS CHEST IN THE FIRST FIVE MINUTES OF THIS THING. THAT SEEMED TO BE A LOT OF PEOPLE’S ONLY MEALS HERE. 

ADAM DRIVER EATS GRAPES FOR BREAKFAST RIGHT AFTER TELLING NATHALIE EMMANUELLE TO "GO BACK TO THE CLUUUUB".

THERES A WEDDING FEAST BUT THEY BARELY SHOW THE FOOD. 

SHIA LABEOUF EATS OUT AUNTIE WOW.

ADAM DRIVER GETS AROUND MORE THAN TUPAC DID. 

BUT I THINK THATS IT. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 6

CONCLAVE (2024) dir. Edward Berger

THE CARDINALS MUST PICK A NEW POPE BUT FIRST THEY MUST EAT TORTELLINI IN BRODO. 

THERES A BEAUTIFUL AND WAY TOO SHORT SCENE OF THE FRESH PASTA BEING ROLLED OUT IN THE VATICAN KITCHEN.

I WONDER WHAT THE FOOD AT THE VATICAN IS REALLY LIKE.

SURELY THE POPE DOESN’T EAT PASTA ALL THE TIME. DOES THE POPE EAT CHINESE FOOD? DO THEY ORDER IN ROSCIOLIS?

OR PICK UP BONCI?

WHAT ARE HIS THOUGHTS ON QUINTO QUARTO?

THE ITALIAN CARDINAL HAS A VAPE AND NICOTINE IS AN APPETITE SUPPRESSANT SO I’M CONSIDERING THAT TOO.

NO SEX WAS HAD, EXCEPT A LIFETIME AGO.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 4.

ANORA (2024) dir. Sean Baker

THIS WHOLE STORY KICKS OFF ON ANORA’S LUNCH BREAK, SHE’S EATING OUT OF TUPPERWARE IN THE CHANGING ROOM WHEN THE BOSS MAKES HER PUT THE FOOD DOWN AND SPEAK RUSSIAN WITH A CLIENT.

“TUPPERWARE KEEPS IT FRESH” SAYS THE MANAGER. 

THERE IS A LOT OF SEX. MOST OF IT FEELS LIFELESS. 

AT ONE POINT THEY’RE EATING IN A DINER, BURGERS, CLUB SANDWICH, AND FRIES. IT ALMOST MADE ME MISS THE STATES. 

FOR ABOUT 30 MINUTES THEY DID NOTHING BUT DRINK AND VAPE.

THE FINAL SEX SCENE REALLY TIES THE WHOLE ROOM TOGETHER. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 9

THE ROOM NEXT DOOR (2024) dir. Pedro Almodóvar

JULIANNE MOORE LOVES FRUIT. SHE HAS TO EAT IT ALL BECAUSE TILDA SWINTON HAS NO APPETITE. 

ONE NIGHT THEY HAVE CARROTS FOR DINNER. 

JOHN TURTURRO AND JULIANNE MOORE EAT LUNCH ON A LAKE BUT BARELY TOUCH THEIR PLATES. 

BOTH SWINTON AND MOORE TALK ABOUT WHAT A GOOD FUCK TURTURRO IS. I BELIEVE THEM.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 5

GLADIATOR II (2024) dir. Ridley Scott

THIS WASN’T AT THE FILM FESTIVAL,BUT WE SAW IT THIS WEEK ANYWAY.

I THINK DENZEL ATE A GRAPE, AND THE GLADIATORS HAD GREUL ON LONG CAFETERIA TABLES. 

THE MOST RIVETING PART OF THIS THING IS WHEN DENZEL SAYS HE PREFERS THE COMPANY OF MEN TO WOMEN SOMETIMES. 

I ATE POPCORN HOPING TO BE ENTERTAINED. I WAS NOT.  

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 1

MARIA (2024) dir. Pablo Lorrain

THE DOGS EAT FIRST. CURED MEAT FROM HAND TO MOUTH. 

YOUR DEDICATION IS 99% FOOD, 1% LOVE, JOLIE TELLS THEM. 

THE LEFTOVER MEAT GOES IN AN OMELETTE. BRUNA THE HOUSE KEEPER MAKES THE MOST DELICIOUS OMELETTES. SHE CAN COOK ANYTHING IN FACT.

THE DIVA HASN’T EATEN IN THREE DAYS.

LAST TIME SHE DIDN’T EAT FOR FOUR.

MARIA CALLAS REALLY LOVED HER FERNET BRANCA. 

AND HER QUALUUDES. 

SEX IS ONLY IMPLIED.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 5

IREZUMI (1966) dir. Yasuzō Masamura

A SPIDER TATTOO DEVOURS THE LIVES OF MEN. 

THERES LOTS OF SEX, AND SEX WORK IN THIS ONE. 

OYSUYA AND SHINSUKE LEAVE THEIR EMPTY DISHES OUTSIDE THE ROOM FOR THE HOUSEMAID. THEY DON”T LEAVE BECAUSE THEYRE TOO BUSY FUCKING ALL THE TIME.

SHINSUKE EATS RICE STRAIGHT FROM THE BARREL IN DISTRESS.

OTSUYA WORKS AS A GIESHA AND FEEDS A SAM 

EVERYONE DIES AT THE END, THE SPIDER TATTOO JUST EATS AND EATS AND EATS.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 8

THE SUBSTANCE (2024) dir. Coralie Fargeat

A PAIR OF SUNNY SIDE UP EGGS STARTS US OFF. 

CLOSE UPS OF DENNIS QUAID CHOMPING SHRIMP KEEP US GOING, MADE ME NEVER WANT TO EAT SHRIMP AGAIN. 

LATER, ONE SEX ACT IS INTERRUPTED BY ONE ACT OF BODY HORROR.

DEMI MOORE FLIPS THROUGH A FRENCH COOKBOOK, SKIPS RIGHT OVER A TRIPE RECIPE BUT LANDS ON BLOOD SAUSAGE AND TURKEY STUFFED WITH FOIE GRAS. 

CERTIFIED GUTS ENJOYER. 

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 7

THE END (2024) dir. Joshua Oppenheimer

THE IMPORTANCE OF FOOD HANGS IN THE AIR AT THE END OF THE WORLD BUT MICHAEL SHANNON SEEMS TO HAVE IT ALL FIGURED OUT.

THEY’VE GOT FRUIT, FISH, AND ENOUGH OTHER FOOD TO HAVE A DECADENT NEW YEARS EVE DINNER

AND THE OCCASIONAL WAFFLE FOR BREAKFAST. 

SEX HANGS IN THE AIR, IS BRIEFLY TALKED ABOUT, AND NEVER DEPICTED. 

STILL, A BABY IS DEFINITELY MADE.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 4

THE BRUTALIST (2024) dir. Brady Corbet

IT’S 4 HOURS LONG, JUST LIKE A PROPER LUNCH USED TO BE.

ADRIEN BRODY VISITS A BROTHEL AS SOON AS HE STEPS OFF ELLIS ISLAND.

MEETS ISAAC DE BANKOLÉ IN A BREAD LINE, FOOD BRINGS THEM TOGETHER FOR YEARS TO COME.

DINNER WITH HIS COUSIN AND HIS WIFE RUINS ADRIEN BRODY’S LIFE.

LUNCH WITH GUY PEARCE SAVES IT.

DOES HEROIN COUNT AS FOOD?

ARE APPLES THE MOST INTELLIGENCE SIGNALLING FRUIT? WHY DOES BRODY CHOMPING ONE WHILE DRAFTING BUILDING PLANS FEEL SO RIGHT?

FELICITY JONES FORGIVES BRODY FOR HIS ASSUMED INFIDELITY AND HE ACCEPTS A HANDJOB… REMORSEFULLY.

DINNER IS SERVED OVER THEIR NEICES DECISION TO MOVE TO ISRAEL. FOOD IS A PRETEXT FOR LIFE CHANGING MOMENTS ALL OVER THIS MOVIE. 

LATER ADRIEN BRODY AND FELICITY JONES SHOOT UP AND HAVE SEX FOR WHAT SEEMS LIKE DAYS BUT WAS PROBABLY ONLY A NIGHT.

NEAR THE END, DINNER IS ONCE AGAIN A CATALYST FOR A PARADIGM ALTERING CONVERSATION.

IN VENICE, ADRIEN BRODY CAN’T LIFT AN APPLE TO HIS MOUTH BUT HIS WORK IS STILL CELEBRATED.

EAT/FUCK INDEX SCORE: 8

Here is the inspiration for our art this week, the cover for the late great Pauline Kael’s book of film reviews, “Kiss Kiss Bang Bang”. Designed by Seymour Chwast in 1968. Read this book! Read all her books.